• Emlyn McFarland

I Steal Ham

If you’ve been reading this chronicle of my days and struggle/ journey to become a successful actor you probably notice that it’s a lot of effort for little return. The truth of the matter is all this work for such little recognition and by recognition I mean yes I need for people to like me and approve of me and want to be clapped for and I especially mean MONEY.

A lot of resentment builds up in me I’ve noticed and for some reason it all comes out in grocery stores. I’ve realized that there is no easy way to get what you want in life and there is no way to cut corners and this makes me mad. At the same time I realized that grocery stores in fact have created an easy way to get what you want and have made ways to cut corners and I will take full advantage of this.

Self-checkout…are you kidding me with this? I mean I love it but unless you have hyper vigilant workers at each station watching what people are doing you must realize you are going to get stolen from. People will take advantage of your self-checkout option and if you think they won’t then you are dumb and you deserve to be stolen from.

It all started when I ordered ham from the deli and it was the wrong kind. I don’t know if I said the wrong kind or the guy just gave me the wrong kind or what but I had to go back and order again. There I was with two things of ham, what was I supposed to do? I really didn’t know. I was about to just abandon the wrong ham order in one of the aisles behind the soups but then I realized something. This ham is only going to get thrown away and be wasted so I should keep it but it’s also not the kind of ham I really wanted so I shouldn’t be guilted or suckered into buying it. I quickly put the wrong ham order in the bag with the right ham order and when I went through the self-check out I rang up the tag on the correct ham order. Success! Two hams for the price of one. I saved the dud ham from being wasted but I didn’t pay for it either. As I write this I know this seems like twisted logic to many of you as my husband described me as a “nut ball” when I came home and proudly told him this tale.

The thing is it makes sense in my world and that’s what I need. Since I for the most part and most of the time act and feel like I am still a four year old much of the world does not make sense to me. I still honestly find myself pouting and not understanding why if you really really want something you can’t just have it. I think that the acting thing feeds this unhealthy emotion. I see people say I want to be a teacher, they go to school, get a degree and get a job as a teacher. Doctors and lawyers go to school study very hard and begin working in their prospective fields. A plumber plumbs, a roofer roofs etc. etc. I want to be an actor, I went to school, I studied hard (not so much on the general education requirement classes but for sure on the classes that interested me) and got a degree … now where’s my job?

I think there’s a part of me that thinks that I deserve that free ham cause I’m creative and somewhat talented and it’s not being recognized. That free ham is kind of a “TAKE THAT WORLD!!”

It felt good, I felt satisfied, and I was my own warped version of Robin Hood. I started doing it with other items as well, I realized that if you put an avocado on the scale but entered on the computer that it was a lemon it would cost less and both the computer and the apathetic employees never noticed, “Feel that world, stings don’t it?!?!”, Single cookies from the bakery weigh basically nothing so if you put one on top of your loaf of bread and slide it through – free cookie “How’s that feel Universe?!”  I’ve even had the balls to when something did catch the machines attention call over the employees and say innocently “I don’t know what I did wrong?” The employee extremely lethargically and completely apathetically scanned the card that hangs around his neck hits a button and says, “there you go”   “HOME FREE YOU STUPID PLANET!!!!”

I’ve since started becoming increasingly worried about karma. I’m not worried in a grown up “ah yes, treat others as you would wish to be treated, respect the earth and all it’s creatures” it’s more like in a Santa Claus way, like I think Karma sees me and might not let me book any of these jobs I care so much about.

You’ll be happy to know that whatever the reason, I am now walking the path of the straight and narrow, I have retired my Robin Hood Cape and am ready to play by the rules. Maybe I am growing up, maybe I’m not a four year old any more…I think I’m at least a solid 12 now.

#funny #bus #Greyhound #WashingtonDC #humor #actress #audition #NewYork #acting #famous #NYC #DC #comedy #showbusiness #voiceover #comedienne

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